One of the reasons I never told anyone about the sexual abuse is that I thought about the consequences - all of the dominoes that would fall. Would we lose everything? Would he go to jail? Would I go to an orphanage? Would anyone believe me? Would he kill himself? Would the police take me away? And more.
Those real fears existed in my underdeveloped brain and kept my mouth sealed shut. It seemed easier to endure the abuse than to think of all of the bad things that would happen if anyone ever found out.
I stayed silent for nearly 40 years.
When I walked into the counselor’s office as a 39-year-old woman, my brain focused on all of the dominoes. Even in our first session, I made it clear that I never wanted anyone to know what I was about to tell her. Eventually, I shared my secrets with her.
Then I told my husband and a few friends.
I confronted my abuser in person with my husband. God set it up.
I told my mom and brother.
I wrote my story of healing so that others would know you can truly trust God with the dominoes. The secret I never wanted to share was now out there. I didn’t feel exposed. I felt empowered because I wanted others to know there is hope and healing is possible.
Jesus set me free.
And then, the cruel and calculated sucker punch.🥊
How quickly my confidence shattered. All of the fears returned, and they suffocated me. There was no peace.
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart. Psalm 38:8
I wanted to fix it. Handle it. I desperately wanted to take matters into my own hands. I really didn’t care about the consequences. I cried and screamed and sang at the top of my lungs in my car. I felt helpless, nearly hopeless.
And then.
I visited a store that sells handmade crafts, and I saw these dominoes. They were painted and decorated. Some were magnets and some were necklaces. As I ran my finger over the design, I heard in my spirit, “Do you trust me?”
I remembered the dominoes. All of the ways God showed up and showed out. I remembered my counselor saying to me, “Michelle, God is big enough to handle all of the dominoes.”
I remembered what I wrote in my book: “I finally decided to let the dominoes fall where they may. He is a big God. I’m His beloved daughter, and I’m simply called to obey and trust Him.”
I bought several dominoes that day, including one on a pink necklace that hangs in my car. It is my daily reminder that God will take care of it.
He restores. He heals.
He is light, and the darkness will not win.
God will handle all the dominoes.
He’s done it before. He will do it again.
I remembered His faithfulness. He met me every step of the way. All He required of me was obedience, faith, and a lot of patience.
He’s asked me the “Do you trust me?” question as well….